I am on my third week and final week of my annual work retreat and this is what I know…

I have a serious problem.

Well, I have many problems but this one is really serious and it will never get cured so I might as well talk about it. And if you are listening, this is one of those life lessons where you must do as I say, not as I do:

Stay away from Megan Fox and that is all there is to say about that.

OK, except for all the phone calls, the four day weekends every other week, and those moronic Hollywood types, she is kinda fun. However she is a Class 5 flibbertigibbet–at least with me anyway and I am going to end this thing sometime in the next seven years. But I digress…

Two years ago, I succumbed to a wild hair and bought my first RC electric helicopter. And my second. Third? You bet. Bought the sixth and eighth just the other night –I am definitely headed to debtor’s prison. Seriously, I am thinking about knocking off a bank to get my next bird and that is where this story becomes relevant to you.

(Disclaimer: The link below contains images that are highly addictive. Furthermore, I have no affiliation with this site other than it is ruining my 401K)

Look if you must. And DO NOT watch the movies.

Now I happen to be weird enough to share that the images in the above link are about as sexy as sexy gets and yes, I warned you this was a serious problem. HOWEVER, being a guy, and living in the guy’s world of gizmos, gadgets, and interesting contraptions, I have been keeping myself awake at night with those images crashing into my kitchen wall, falling into a steaming pot of bouillabaisse and my panic to order spare parts on whatever credit card is not maxed out…

Today I just finished the design of the most radical new tool that I can remember and I owe it all to the inspiration of the images on the website above. Yes, we will becoming out with a woodworking tool that has roots in the HM 4G6 and I suspect a good percentage of you will be gobsmacked when you see it.

And that is all I am going to say about that.

–John

John here, your favorite Tool Potentate reporting from his annual work retreat…

Each year I manage to ameliorate the exigent pressures of the BCTW staff, and the enmity of woodworking forums, by sequestering myself (and a PC) anywhere with 5-digit phone numbers. It is, in simple terms, the narcissistic diktat that keeps Bridge City alive.

“How important” you ask?

Right before I left a week ago, I received this phone call;

“John, we have never met, but I represent an international consortium of investors interested in purchasing Bridge City Tool Works—we believe you will find our offer, an all cash deal in the range of two and a half billion dollars, most attractive. Of course there is room for further negotiations should you disagree.”

“What the hell would I do with two and a half billion dollars?” And then I hung up—I get this crap all the time.  Am I the only person in the world to get acute anhedonia from large amounts of cash? Doubt it.

No less than three minutes later, Megan Fox called me—third time in two hours. What a pest.

Now you understand why it is imperative that I get out of town for three weeks of aberrant behavior–it’s boot camp for my brain.

During this effulgent time, all I do is think about creating yet more tools that nobody wants nor can afford.

Actually, that is an exaggeration.

I do take breaks. Why, just the other day I was enticed by an online ad that offered a breeding pair of Woolly Mammoth fleas for a ridiculous price. This was appealing because I often perform interesting experiments on Louie dog. Unfortunately this plan was ruined when I discovered (upon closer inspection of course) that some moron substituted Himalayan Yak fleas—I felt like a complete idiot.

Undeterred, tomorrow I expect a small vial of platypus venom to be delivered for an enjoyable eschatological experiment I am going to perform on myself.

Regarding new tools—oh my—on day four I was gobsmacked—and that is why I do this to myself. And this is how you too, could someday become a Tool Potentate.

Stay tuned.

–John

This is depressing.

One of the more popular holiday purchases here are gift cards. Unfortunately, we are finding ourselves on the losing end of an organized scam. Here’s how it works;

Evil guy has credit card numbers that are stolen and uses these cards to purchase gift cards from honest companies–of which we are one.  These cards are then immediately put on sale on eBay and other auction sites.

Woodworkers buy discounted cards and make what appear to be legitimate purchases from us.

People are just now receiving their credit card statements reflecting (in many cases) their last minute holiday purchases. When the legitimate owner of the stolen credit card receives their bill they deservedly get upset, both at the charge and at us–nice.

The charge is easily reversed as it is fraudulent and we are stuck with the financial and reputation damages, and right now I don’t know which is worse.

We are working on it but we are asking for your help by resisting the temptation to purchase discounted Bridge City gift cards on auction sites, particularly eBay. Actually, and I don’t have the right to speak for others, but we have data that suggests the vast majority of gift cards on auction sites are either employee theft or organized frauds and we think this is something you should know.

We will modify our site and continue to sell gift cards but will do so via phone orders only.

Thanks for listening.

–John

Last weekend I hopped on down to Austin to participate in a Lie-Nielson Handtool Event for the purposes of meeting with customers and escaping the dreary Portland weather…repeat after me; John is a Bozo. John is a Bozo, John is a Bozo…

Saturday, Austin recorded the lowest temperature EVER (16 degrees Fahrenheit).  Big deal you say? Well, we were exhibiting in a lumberyard where it appeared one wall was missing.

So while I was questioning my sanity, I lost all sense of selfish misery when I looked over and saw one of the TLN staff demonstrating how to sharpen on water stones. Ouch.

However I am pleased to report that the new rails for the Jointmaker Pro work down to 16 degrees. Perfectly.

On a personal note, I went to a sports bar to watch the Texas-Alabama game Thursday evening. This was a real experience (because I was there) and the greatest practical joke ever perpetuated by a concierge–I was the only person who was not a transvestite–whatever pre-op means I look like it–or so I was told.

Now for Something Completely Different;

For whatever reason, and there must be one, I have been asked several times recently (twice in Austin), when am I going to teach my Creativity Workshop again?  Every time I teach this class I swear I will never do it again–it’s like force feeding a big ol’ live snapping turtle to a Mongolian Death Worm–or maybe the other way around. Whatever.

This is the class where on day one the students burn through a bottle of Advil and then, as stated by one student on day five–and I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP–” This was the most fun I have had without Tequila!”

So, with the snapping turtle/Mongolian Death Worm visual in mind, if this is something that may be of personal interest (this coming summer), vote here. If there are enough idea-starved Bridge Citizens who want to discover what it feels like to be 14 again, maybe even 11, we could make a great week together. The most likely venue would be at the Marc Adams School of Woodworking–only because of the food and lack of police.

Did I mention that we always offer di$counts on our tools at these things?

–John